


Three Dreaded Words

by blue_pointer



Series: A Glorious Retelling [61]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Break Up Talk, Canon Timeline, Depression, Don't copy to another site, Empty Platitudes, Episode: c01e073 The Coming Storm, Goodbyes, Hangover, Jealousy, M/M, Metallic Dragon!Gilmore, Mixed Messages, Mood Swings, Nihilism, POV Shaun Gilmore, Tea Fail, Vaxmore, Wish You Well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:21:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29769915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_pointer/pseuds/blue_pointer
Summary: Believing he will die soon, Vax drops by Gilmore’s house to say goodbye and try to make amends.
Relationships: Shaun Gilmore/Vax'ildan
Series: A Glorious Retelling [61]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975831
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Three Dreaded Words

Early the next morning, in a deep sleep (stupor might have been a better term), Gilmore felt the heroes return. But he kept sleeping. Whatever they were up to had nothing to do with him. Raishan would get him when she needed Gilmore. And in the meantime, dreams seemed much more appealing than reality. 

Gilmore was just beginning to fall back to sleep when someone banged on the front door. No. What was this? Who on earth could it be this early in the morning? And knocking so loudly, too. No, to whomever it was. He was not home. The way Gilmore felt, he might not be home all day. 

The knock came again, a little softer this time, but sounding no less determined. Gilmore sighed, and even Lockheed let out a soft growl where it lay curled up on Gilmore’s pillow, annoyed. He could tell whoever it was was not going to give up until they’d ruined his morning, too. 

“Confound it! I’ll be right down,” he called down, sitting up and waiting as his head spun. Gilmore groaned. His hair was a wreck; he’d gone to bed without putting on his head scarf last night. Whatever. He pulled on his tatty robe and stomped downstairs, holding to the rail so that his hangover didn’t send him tumbling. 

He shuffled to the front door, ready to send his would-be visitor packing. Gilmore unlocked the door and opened it just enough to be rude to whoever it was had decided to bang on his door at dawn. “Yes, can I help--oh.” It was Vax’ildan. This was not a possibility Gilmore had planned for. 

In spite of everything, it was good to see him. Gilmore’s heart clenched a little to think the first thing Vax had done on coming home was to come see him. “Good morning,” Gilmore said, unable to resist a smoulder. 

It seemed to have its effect; Vax looked startled and more awkward than usual. “Hey, this is not fair...Um. Can I come in to talk?” 

Oh no. The three dreaded words that ended every relationship: ‘Can we talk?’ Now it was Gilmore’s turn to be awkward, as everything from the day before came rushing back with a vengeance.

And Vax seemed impatient, not waiting for Gilmore to respond. “Quickly. I have to head back to the others.” 

Gilmore tried to gather his scattered wits, not ready for the ‘can we talk’ conversation this morning, in spite of everything. “Of course. Would you...like some tea? It’s--” 

“No.” Vax interrupted again. “I don’t even have time, I just want to talk to you.” 

_Fuck._ A speedy end to the relationship, then, by the sound of it. Fine. But if this was going to happen, Gilmore was not going to be bum-rushed. He was going to accept his fate with dignity. And on his own terms, in his own house, with some damned tea. Gilmore regained his composure. “I’d like some tea,” he said firmly, but not unkindly. “Come on in. Come on,” he called to Vax much like he might do to a child or a lost dog. Vax’ildan usually responded to that. 

“Alright,” Vax said softly, following Gilmore inside. He was certainly not about to be dumped on his own front porch. Gilmore led Vax’ildan through the front hall and gestured toward the drawing room to one of the single chairs for Vax to have a seat. Then Gilmore moved on to the kitchen to prepare the tea, calling back over his shoulder, “So, Vax’ildan, please. Tell me what’s on your mind.” As if he didn’t know exactly what was on Vax’s mind. 

“Um. You know we’re getting closer to the endgame here,” Vax called back. 

Gilmore considered. He could easily assume incorrectly that Vax was referring to the Chroma Conclave issue. So he chose to do so, summoning up some warmth to his voice, chuckling before he replied, “I certainly hope so. It’s taken a couple years off my lifespan.”

“We just killed another one of the dragons.” Wait. Was that really what Vax had been referring to? But he’d already told Gilmore this last night.

Gilmore paused. Was there a chance Vax had been too drunk to remember their conversation yesterday? His breath caught in his throat. That was literally the only thing that could save him now. So he played along. “Really?” Gilmore did his best to sound impressed.

“Yeah,” Vax replied humbly, still nervous and tense. 

“How many is that now for you?” Gilmore asked, as though he didn’t know precisely how many it was. “Three?” 

“It is three,” Vax said, somehow resigned.

“You’re making a name for yourself. I’m proud of you.” Gilmore had managed to get water in the kettle and some of the tea leaves into the tea ball--the rest were scattered over the counter from how badly his hands were shaking. Next, he clattered two cups, two saucers, and two spoons onto the tray without chipping or breaking any of them. Gilmore carried the tray out to the drawing room, doing his best to appear calm and collected, spinning a showy fire serpent slowly around the kettle with one finger to heat the water. 

He managed to set the tray down without fumbling or dropping it, and sat casually on the couch across from Vax, adjusting his robe to maintain just the hint of modesty while leaving his chest showing. Gilmore poured himself some lukewarm, unsteeped water, and pretended to sip it from the teacup. “So, what brings you here this early in the morning?” he asked, hoping against hope that Vax truly had forgotten the events of yesterday. “Friend,” he added hurriedly, as an afterthought, just in case Vax did remember. Gilmore would hold onto any relationship he could with Vax at this point. He found he was desperate for it.

Vax looked even more morose than usual. Added to how tense he was, it made Gilmore worry. “I think I might be dead in a couple of days.” Vax was looking at the table. Why wouldn’t he meet Gilmore’s eyes? There were so many potential reasons, and none of them good. An awkward moment passed.

But then Vax did glance up at Gilmore with a quiet, regretful desperation. “So...I came here--” Vax hesitated, biting his lip. Whatever was to come, it was difficult for him to say. “...to apologize.” 

Gilmore was stunned. Apologize to _him_? For what? How could that be? The look in Vax’ildan’s eyes intensified, and his voice filled with a swell of passion. “If you think I have no feelings for you, you’re kidding yourself. I care for you very deeply. I have for a long time.” 

He was speechless. Was this a renewed love confession? A true apology, when it was Gilmore who owed Vax an apology for once? Gilmore began to smile, just slightly. He couldn’t help himself. He’d never expected this today, and a fragile hope began to grow in him. 

“And…” Vax looked down at the table again, an expression of shame consuming him. “I don’t think I’ve treated you fairly.” Suddenly he looked as though he might weep. “But I wasn’t playing games.” Vax looked into his eyes again to show he was in earnest. Gilmore could see Vax needed Gilmore to believe him.

Was this happening? Was Vax actually apologizing to him for jerking Gilmore around for the last several weeks? Now? He must truly think he was going to die soon. 

Once again, Vax’ildan looked desperate for Gilmore to believe him, to accept his apology. “Shaun.” 

Gilmore shook his head in disbelief, setting his cup down with a soft chuckle.

Vax continued, “It’s been a little weird lately, and I understand why--” 

Why? Gilmore wondered. Because Vax had been completely indecisive about which one of them he wanted to be with? Yes, that had been maddening. But Gilmore had thought they were past that now--at least until yesterday. 

“But I want you to know that I _love_ you.” The emphasis was so important to Gilmore. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed to hear it. “...as a dear, dear friend,” Vax added, dashing Gilmore’s warm fuzzies. 

Oh gods. Was this the ‘I treasure our friendship’ talk? That was just as bad as the ‘can we talk?’ talk. Maybe worse. 

Vax rushed on as Gilmore was trying to process everything. “And I really don’t think I’m going to be here in a few days.” He looked weepy. Vax truly did believe whatever battle lay ahead would be the end of him. And it was heartbreaking. His near-death experience with Vorugal had really affected him. “...and I would hate to think that I would be--”

Gilmore shushed him gently, putting his index finger to his lips and then pointing it at Vax to make him stop talking. Vax looked down at the table in shame. “That’s _far_ too fatalistic for the Vax’ildan that I--” He just barely stopped himself from saying ‘love’. Gilmore didn’t know why. Perhaps he was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. He swallowed the pause and continued. “Number one. Number two, you have nothing to apologize for.” They had already worked through this. And Vax should be the one demanding an apology right now, not making one. 

“Look,” Gilmore spread his arms toward the city beyond the window. “Everything’s on fire around us all the time. We all jump at whatever bit of comfort finds its way before us.” And if that wasn’t his raison d’etre, Gilmore likely didn’t have one at all. He’d lived for more than a decade, ever since he’d left Marquet, on that philosophy. 

When Vax looked up at him again, uncertain, Gilmore tried to show Vax he did accept and understand what he’d been telling Gilmore. “And at the same time, I appreciate your honesty. And I’m thankful for the connection that we do have.” Whatever Vax wanted to call it, just so long as he didn’t cut Gilmore off. He didn’t think he could bear it. “And yes, heartbreak comes. But heartbreak goes.” He heard Vax release a breath he’d been holding. Good. He was listening. 

And Gilmore had worked through his heartbreak in Emon...and after the fiend’s attack in Whitestone, and they’d both recovered. Hopefully Vax could work through his. Hopefully. If he let Gilmore explain and help. “It’s part of life.” Gilmore offered a small smile. “It just means that I need to find somebody who’s a little more, ah...my speed.” He was teasing, of course. Vax was learning to become that somebody. It was a process, and all three of them were working through it. 

Vax’ildan looked weepy again, offering a sad smile. “That guy’ll be fast.” 

Wait, did he not understand that Gilmore was talking about him? Oh gods, subtleties were lost on the boy. ‘Where’s Larkin?’ indeed. Gilmore was so distracted, he took a second sip of his lukewarm cup of water. “He’d better be,” Gilmore said. Hint, hint, Vax. Perhaps a certain rogue equipped with Boots of Haste? 

But Vax’ildan still looked like he was attending his own funeral. Gilmore couldn’t stand to see him being this nihilistic. He may as well give up the battle now, if Vax was going to maintain this negative frame of thought. When he did not reply, Gilmore tried again. 

“Don’t worry about it.” In his attempt to lighten the mood, Gilmore became slightly manic. “Go. Kill a dragon. Another. Kill two more. Kill six more, I don’t care!” _Not this dragon!_ “Just know that you’re coming back.” 

Because dying was simply not an option. Especially not now, when they were so close to ending the Conclave, and the Soul might be calling Gilmore back to Ank’Harel. But he couldn’t say that. So instead, Gilmore made a joke, hoping for some levity. “Because I need you and your friends to keep promoting my brand.” 

“Sure,” Vax looked down at the table, as if trying to summon the courage to say the next words. “Whoever gets you will be a very lucky man.” 

There he went, trying to give Gilmore away again, as if he were dead already. “I know,” Gilmore said, hearing the envy in Vax’ildan’s voice and realizing he’d missed all of Gilmore’s hints. “I know,” he repeated, resigned to the fact he was going to have to beat the truth into his Vax’ildan’s head with a mallet. 

Vax looked deep into his eyes, and Gilmore could clearly see he still thought this was goodbye. “Love you,” he said, earnestly. 

“I know,” Gilmore said. He did. He’d known it longer than Vax had. Gilmore nodded. “I know.” Vax smiled the second time. Success. “You sure you don’t want any tea?” 

Vax shook his head. “I’m really nauseous right now. I almost didn’t come here.” Too depressed and resigned to his fate to even say goodbye? That was serious.

“I’m glad you did,” Gilmore said. He had to think of a way to cheer Vax up. This nihilistic mood simply would not do. Distracted, Gilmore took Vax’ildan’s empty cup, saying, “Waste not, want not,” and sipped the nothing that was inside it. Nervous? Why would he be nervous? Vax seemed determined to die, and Gilmore was still not sure if Vax’ildan remembered their talk last night or not. He needed time to think. And quiet. This dark mood Vax had brought into the house was affecting his ability to think (as was his hangover). 

“Now go!” He said, standing to shoo Vax out, so that Gilmore could reassess the situation. “Stop being uncomfortable in front of me.” This visit had been beyond a mixed message, and Gilmore needed to take the puzzle apart and examine the pieces. Alone. “I need to get my morning...situated.” Not to mention fix his hair so that he didn’t look such a mess before anyone else saw him.

Vax passed a hand over his forehead. “Yeah...Yes.” He looked up at Gilmore one last time, and the certainty of his own death was written in his eyes. “Goodbye,” Vax said, with finality. 

What was Gilmore going to do with the boy? He waved a hand, using Telekinesis to open the front door in the distance. Vax began to walk away, but there was no way Gilmore was going to let him go on this note. He gripped Vax’ildan’s shoulder, turning the boy back to face him. “Till next time,” Gilmore prompted, firmly, pointing at Vax as if giving a command to a dog. Vax looked weepy, unable--or unwilling--to say the words. But Gilmore was not having that. “Say it.” 

Vax sighed, looking down. “Till next time.”

“Alright. Go.” Gilmore nodded toward the door. As Vax passed, Gilmore gave him a swat on the behind to remind him who his daddy was. He saw Vax smile again as he stumbled out, so perhaps they were going to be okay. Vax had said nothing about the emperor. Just apologies and wishes for Gilmore to have a future where he was loved after Vax’ildan was gone. 

Well, Vax was not going to get out of this relationship that easily. He would have to do a little bit better than dying if he wanted to get rid of Gilmore.


End file.
